"you are my daughter and will come through this better for having lived this. i am certain of this."
so much has happened lately...
i feel outside of my skin...
constantly.
rarely.
back and forth.
emotional.
all the time.
but this conversation gave me peace of mind. hope.
things happen for a reason (. or ?) not sure....at least in this situation i hope so. (since that would make things better after all the shitastic life events lately.) but since better is a concept and all concepts are based on the illusions of this world that i/we have been programmed to expect, that leaves nothing but disappointment, falsehood. what is better?
i'll feel better once i get more sleep, once i buy those shoes i've had my eye on....i want to feel better regardless of any outside influences. i want to be able to feel okay with myself just because i am myself.
but im stuck.
how can i feel better with myself when i dont know what myself is? or anything for that matter?
when nothing makes sense nothing is trustworthy. worthy.
i hate that i feel this way. im scared it makes me egotistic. im so scared to be that. but from this fear ive taken the extreme.
hardly sticking up for myself.
hardly doing what i need.
i dont want to be "too good" for things. i dont want to be so serious all the time. i dont want to think about me and my problems.
i want to be able to care about things that dont matter. i want to carry on a conversation with people. i want to feel light and happy.
this could all be temporary. right? everything is afterall. i think it is fair to say that when someone is going through something traumatic nothing else seems worth worrying about.....
but im taking steps to be better. hooray.
so much has happened lately...
i feel outside of my skin...
constantly.
rarely.
back and forth.
emotional.
all the time.
but this conversation gave me peace of mind. hope.
things happen for a reason (. or ?) not sure....at least in this situation i hope so. (since that would make things better after all the shitastic life events lately.) but since better is a concept and all concepts are based on the illusions of this world that i/we have been programmed to expect, that leaves nothing but disappointment, falsehood. what is better?
i'll feel better once i get more sleep, once i buy those shoes i've had my eye on....i want to feel better regardless of any outside influences. i want to be able to feel okay with myself just because i am myself.
but im stuck.
how can i feel better with myself when i dont know what myself is? or anything for that matter?
when nothing makes sense nothing is trustworthy. worthy.
i hate that i feel this way. im scared it makes me egotistic. im so scared to be that. but from this fear ive taken the extreme.
hardly sticking up for myself.
hardly doing what i need.
i dont want to be "too good" for things. i dont want to be so serious all the time. i dont want to think about me and my problems.
i want to be able to care about things that dont matter. i want to carry on a conversation with people. i want to feel light and happy.
this could all be temporary. right? everything is afterall. i think it is fair to say that when someone is going through something traumatic nothing else seems worth worrying about.....
but im taking steps to be better. hooray.
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