nobody knows.

• Aug. 4th, 2009 at 2:42 PM

get up.
get out.

nobody knows when they will wake up.

scariest.
no warning.

getting to know yourself means getting to know your faults.

my work

• Aug. 4th, 2009 at 3:23 PM

will be continued by those who suffer.

c.g. jung
the wisdom of the dream

i wish i could see the field below.

• Aug. 4th, 2009 at 4:01 PM

chills.
tears.
a tingle.
misconceptions.
softness of the shell.
cracked in anxiety.
energy carrying without.
floating through.
up and around.
glorious.
all that comes to mind.
tingle.
tingle.
tingle.

dear time,

be my friend.

helter skelter

• Aug. 4th, 2009 at 4:05 PM

patchouli and miss matched socks.
embracing.
all that comes this way.
combined.
breathe out love.
three and already.

worth watching, in my humble opinion.

.noisuled

julian wolkenstein

"insanity is relative. it depends on who has who locked in what cage." - ray bradbury

i will love you with all the madness in my soul.

Jul. 28th, 2009 at 2:56 AM

...my heroes have mostly been wanderers, suffered a mental breakdown or eventually ended their lives...

is there a reason why the greatest of minds were so unhappy....

andrea dezsco

all i know is all i know.

• May. 22nd, 2009 at 7:16 PM

i get so anxiously excited when i start to write. it is one of the few things that helps me feel nonexistent. i stop thinking. i just be. being is good.

life is terribly hard right now. but it's okay. at least that is what i am telling myself.

i'm letting go of concepts. preconceptions.

i read something a little ways back..."no one worth knowing is out past midnight"...."this world was a fucked up mess long before we arrived"....hhmmm...?

other people help me put my thoughts/feelings into words. i'm not so good with the words. but i need the writing.

i've always found these so egotistical, but yet so am i. but you know when you are going through so much it feels like your mind is going to explode if you don't get your jumbled thoughts out somehow? this is my somehow. well that and anything i can get my hands on. i just need to organize my writing....piles of loose papers will have to do for now!

okay well work is slow and my mind is turning, so i'll write more when i feel like i have something worth writing....worthlessness is my way these days.

i honestly feel like a newborn.

• May. 23rd, 2009 at 2:15 PM

"you are my daughter and will come through this better for having lived this. i am certain of this."

so much has happened lately...
i feel outside of my skin...
constantly.
rarely.
back and forth.
emotional.
all the time.

but this conversation gave me peace of mind. hope.

things happen for a reason (. or ?) not sure....at least in this situation i hope so. (since that would make things better after all the shitastic life events lately.) but since better is a concept and all concepts are based on the illusions of this world that i/we have been programmed to expect, that leaves nothing but disappointment, falsehood. what is better?

i'll feel better once i get more sleep, once i buy those shoes i've had my eye on....i want to feel better regardless of any outside influences. i want to be able to feel okay with myself just because i am myself.

but im stuck.

how can i feel better with myself when i dont know what myself is? or anything for that matter?

when nothing makes sense nothing is trustworthy. worthy.

i hate that i feel this way. im scared it makes me egotistic. im so scared to be that. but from this fear ive taken the extreme.
hardly sticking up for myself.
hardly doing what i need.

i dont want to be "too good" for things. i dont want to be so serious all the time. i dont want to think about me and my problems.

i want to be able to care about things that dont matter. i want to carry on a conversation with people. i want to feel light and happy.

this could all be temporary. right? everything is afterall. i think it is fair to say that when someone is going through something traumatic nothing else seems worth worrying about.....

but im taking steps to be better. hooray.

sundays are love days.

• Jun. 7th, 2009 at 11:33 PM

just smiles. and lists of favorites.

bumblebees.
smell of old books.
being appreciative.
sheep.
falling asleep reading.
feeling alive.
sound of typewriters.
being endlessly annoyed by others and yet being an other.
tea cups.
little brown birdies.
optimistically planning a life although it can end tomorrow.
dinosaur fossils.
excited wave of the pizza guy on the corner of my street.
peaches.
religious practices. ridiculous all the same.
sea glass.
thrift stores as well as yard sales.
being comforted by perfectly worded sentences.
red and turquoise.
my suitcase record player and the fact that i've had it long before urban fuckfitters. (there is a birdie salt and pepper shaker set i adore!)


i feel oddly at ease with my life and it's belongings. realizations of useless worries. unfortunate misunderstandings. unnecessarily being at odds.

hopeful.

everything will be better. with time.

friends perhaps.

confinement of ego.

• Jun. 8th, 2009 at 10:35 AM

indifferent.

useless.

pointless.

confused and torn selfishly thin.

my moods only exist in extremes. i feel less than normal constantly. i look at others as what i should be. something is wrong with me, but i can't grasp it.

i'm close. always close, but never close enough.


just be.
everyone says.

although no one knows what being means. we all be in a nothingness that is sacred and sacred is subjective.

this life isn't sacred.

i woke up cold.

Jun. 11th, 2009 at 12:04 PM

i feel as though the world is sitting on my chest and in my weakest state i am unable to do anything about it. including accept it.

why does everything scare me?

i'm forever realizing things too late.

Jun. 11th, 2009 at 12:09 PM

i became adrift with myself. so, now i feel like we are being reintroduced.

this seriousness i feel like i carry around, i've realized is less of an actual serious demeanor and more of a lack of interest in things.

genuine.
humble.

it's the small things that i crave.
most of this world is nonsense and a waste. true priorities lost.

i'm trying to find myself and it's belongings in a place of disarray.
possible?

can i just stay in this fetal position and ponder the universe until i die?

it's nap time.

time

Jun. 11th, 2009 at 12:23 PM

slipping through my fingers.

life is deja vu.

i'm going bone hunting.

we were just strangers

Jun. 11th, 2009 at 7:23 PM

who knew each other too well.

i forgot how great big fish is. it's one of those special memories.

walking home, i passed an older man cleaning his fishing pole with his garden hose. for some reason, this gave me a calm sense of peace in the world. which for me are rare.

simplicity.

i like seeing people do such things and then picture how their life must be. i always hope it is everything they want it to be. regrets are one of the saddests things about life. i wouldn't wish that upon anyone.

oddly enough, things never seem to be as loathsome as thought.

"the feeling i get is terribly unfocused. yet very solid."


okay.okay.okay.okay.okay.okay.okay.okay.okay.
trust.

understanding.
after this worry/effort i might be left with nothing as i become nothing.
my tuesdays turn into sundays all too quickly.

unable to grasp.
unable to hold on.

"it almost killed me"
"well that's how life is"

at this very moment,

a tiny black bug is crawling across my computer screen.

i have felt so free lately.



i will be okay.

insomnious moment of existence.

• Jul. 17th, 2009 at 11:19 AM

as time, a fleeting illusion,
hushes this essence of a figure.
warm blood courses.
through a trapped pattern.
eager for an existence beyond form.
reasonless kingdom of hope.
progress of a self.
unwritten.
stories become written.
in a single breath of hopelessness.

hope melodies.

Jul. 21st, 2009 at 1:28 PM

words can't do this feeling any justice. it's not a happiness. it's not a calming. it's not an excitement. it's the adjective that combines all of those feelings into one perfectly orchestrated melody of hope.

opulence.

Jul. 24th, 2009 at 1:30 AM

faint humming of existence.
remembrance reminding.
search of finding oneself.
fear of losing oneself.
exploration of the disillusioned self.
soft as baby's breath.

enigma.

Jul. 28th, 2009 at 5:05 AM

as i start to drift.
i say goodnight to this.
world.
as it is often known.
while delighted.
for the hopes to enter.
that of dreamland.
whimper in and out.
reality.
to each his own.
this, my friends.
is all i hold dear.
in a day's light.